


amnesia

by wurin



Series: those who have disappeared [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anal Sex, Angst, Blood Drinking, M/M, Smut, Vampire Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Vampire Lee Taeyong, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:35:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27963890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wurin/pseuds/wurin
Summary: The first time he sees him, Dongyoung feels something that he shouldn’t feel because he’s not human.
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Taeyong
Series: those who have disappeared [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2047937
Comments: 16
Kudos: 100





	amnesia

**Author's Note:**

> hello!! this fic is the second part of [this](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27770137), so i think what happens in this wouldn't make much sense without reading the first part!  
> i still don't know if i will keep writing other parts for this au, it depends on my inspiration haha  
> anyway!! i hope you'll like it and please let me know what you think, enjoy!! 💘
> 
> english is not my first language so forgive me if there are mistakes!

The first time he sees him, Dongyoung feels something that he shouldn’t feel because he’s not human.

The first time he sees him is also the first time ever Dongyoung feels breathless since the day he became a vampire. 

Once he locks his eyes with the other’s, his lungs feel like they’re shrinking, even if it’s just in his head, and he has to halt his steps, afraid he’d find himself on the floor with the next one. 

His eyes are different. Dongyoung has seen many vampires, and yet, it’s the first time he sees one with such eyes. They hold something he has never seen in other vampires’ eyes, a strange light that shouldn’t be there. They’re big and it almost seems like they’re trying to suck Dongyoung in, to keep him there forever, locked into a golden and warm prison. 

“Hello,” he speaks, and his voice is different too, hypnotic, Dongyoung thinks that he’d do anything if it’s asked with that voice. “I’m Lee Taeyong.”

_Lee Taeyong._

“Hello,” he replies back, “I’m Kim Dongyoung.”

Taeyong nods, the earrings on his ears sparkle when hit by the lights and jiggle with the movement, attracting Dongyoung’s eyes on them. 

_He’s gorgeous_. 

“Kun has welcomed him into our Coven,” Taeil tells him, and only then Dongyoung realises the two of them weren’t the only ones in the room. All his senses are focused on Taeyong, ignoring everything else. 

If Kun has welcomed him into the Coven, then it means he wasn’t the one who turned him, so he must be a lone vampire in need of a Coven.

Dongyoung nods, and after he has sent a last glance to Taeyong, he leaves, headed to his bedroom.

“His eyes are different.” 

Even if the words are whispered, Dongyoung is able to clearly hear them. He chuckles, Taeyong must have been turned recently, if not, he’d know Dongyoung can still hear him from his bedroom. 

“Yeah,” Taeil answers, amused, he’s aware Dongyoung’s listening to them, “he has wicked eyes.”

Dongyoung snorts, and he _knows_ Taeil’s listening to him too. 

If there’s someone with different eyes, it’s Lee Taeyong.

○

Dongyoung can’t explain it, he has tried to find an explanation, but there isn’t, at least not one that makes sense. 

There’s something that pulls him towards Taeyong, Dongyoung doesn’t know what it is, he just knows that everytime he’s in the same room with the other, he just can’t take his eyes off him. He can’t stop himself from focusing all of his senses on Taeyong, even if the room is full, his eyes always find him, following each of his movements. 

It has started to annoy him, and he’s sure Taeyong noticed it too, and yet, he can’t do anything about it, he has tried to stop himself, to control it, but he just can’t, it’s like his body acts on its own. 

At first, Dongyoung thinks it’s just Taeyong’s beauty. He can’t deny it, Taeyong’s beautiful, but he’s not the only beautiful one in the Coven. Though, Dongyoung’s eyes never linger on the others, not like they linger on Taeyong. 

After, he tells himself it’s because Taeyong has entered the Coven recently and he’s still not used to him, but deep down, he knows it’s not even that, he has never been _that_ interested in someone of the Coven. 

Dongyoung really doesn’t know what it is. 

And then, they fuck and he understands. 

It’s always been his eyes, from the very first day he met him. 

They keep fucking, and even if it’s not the first time Dongyoung has fucked someone of the Coven, it feels different with Taeyong. Everytime it happens, Dongyoung doesn’t think once that he wants them to stop, that it just was a one-time thing.

Taeyong’s eyes haunt him even when they’re not fucking, they follow him everywhere he goes, until he almost thinks he’s become obsessed with the other, until he almost thinks he has feelings for him, just like humans do. Though, Dongyoung’s a vampire, he doesn’t feel emotions, he can’t feel them because his heart’s dead.

○

“Can I feed on you?”

The first time Taeyong asks him, Dongyoung feels like he’s dying a second time, it’s not as painful as the first one, and yet, it’s worse.

His hips still, and even if his cock is deep inside Taeyong, he forgets about everything. About Taeyong’s fingers hot on his skin and about their pleasure.

 _Can I feed on you?_ are the only words in his head.

_Can I feed on you?_

Dongyoung nods, almost numb. He’s aware he keeps telling Taeyong that he has to kill, but at the same time, he feels the need to provide for him in his core, a feeling beyond his control that he can’t stop, that has a mind of its own. So he nods, once, twice, and then, he guides Taeyong’s head to his neck.

Taeyong kisses his skin, then licks where his vein is and he bites down. His fangs pierce through the skin gently, making his whole body shiver, his senses are all on the other and not even when Dongyoung feeds he feels so overwhelmed, ready to explode. He closes his eyes, and once Taeyong starts to suck the blood, Dongyoung goes back to fuck him. 

He fucks him hard, deep, fingers bruising his hips. Taeyong moans on his skin and Dongyoung doesn’t know if it’s for the blood, or if it’s for the way his cock hits his prostate each time he thrusts, or if it’s for both. Even if Taeyong sucked him dry, he wouldn’t care, his fangs in his flesh feel too good and the thought he’s fucking him while the other’s feeding almost makes him cum right away. 

Dongyoung moves his lips on Taeyong’s temple, “Take as much as you want, love,” he whispers against the skin. The fog in his head doesn’t make him realise the way he has called the other, that what he feels is not love, that Taeyong doesn’t make him feel human. No one does, Dongyoung has been a vampire for a long time, he won’t ever go back to being human.

Taeyong tightens the grip around his arm, black-painted nails leave small cuts on it. Dongyoung knows he’s close, he has fucked Taeyong enough times to know, he just needs to thrust as deep as he can for the last time and then, Taeyong is coming with his eyes closed and a moan in the back of his throat.

Dongyoung kisses his temple, his blond hair, each part of the other he can reach. His lips burn against Taeyong’s skin, but he doesn’t stop, not even when it becomes almost painful. Dongyoung keeps fucking him until his ears ring and his toes curl, until the only thing he sees is Taeyong’s eyes and he can only feel the other’s tongue lapping at the small cuts on his neck. He cums with a stutter of his hips, inside the other and with his burnt lips on Taeyong’s skin, wishing he could leave a permanent mark on it.

“Thank you,” are the first words Taeyong tells him, and once his eyes met the other’s, Dongyoung knows he will let Taeyong feed on himself everytime he will ask, even if he has to kill human after human, even if it will bring him to his death because hunters will find him.

○

Year after year, Taeyong asks that question less and less, but everytime he does, Dongyoung never thinks about it twice before answering. He doesn’t have to think about the answer at all.

_Yes._

And then it slowly becomes _Yes, love_ , and most of the time, Dongyoung doesn’t deny it to himself anymore, or maybe he just thinks he doesn’t. 

○

“Please,” the human says, and the word replays in his head but said by a different voice. 

_“Please.”_

Dongyoung doesn’t know what it is, if it’s a memory or something else. He shakes his head, and then, it’s gone. 

He focuses his eyes back on the human in front of him, if it weren’t for the wall behind his back, he’d be already on the floor. He’s too intoxicated to understand what’s happening, Dongyoung has seen him gulp down drink after drink, and even if most of his weight was on Dongyoung when they moved to a side hallway outside the club, he has seen him stumble more than once.

Dongyoung kisses him, he doesn’t need to, it wouldn’t take much to just place his fangs on the human’s neck and bite down, and yet, he savours it. Dongyoung imagines the taste of blood on his tongue, its scent in his nose and he can almost feel it running through his veins, as if it were electricity.

The boy moans something Dongyoung doesn’t care to catch, it’s not his first kill of the night and he still doesn’t know if it will be his last. 

“ _You’re so hot_ ,” he hears, but only after a few seconds he realises the words didn’t come from the person in front of him. Besides them, no one’s there.

When it happens again, it’s a “ _Fuck, let’s go somewhere else_.”

Dongyoung stumbles away, his back hits the opposite wall, and he feels breathless.

 _That voice._ Dongyoung knows it, he has learned to recognise it even among many others. It can’t be him, he has never said those words to him, and yet, Dongyoung’s sure it’s not just his imagination, he heard those words, they are a memory.

It can’t be Taeyong’s voice. It can’t be a memory.

Dongyoung leans his side against the wall, it feels too cold against his left temple. Everything’s blurry, he can see anything clear and his legs don’t want to move. Besides those words, he can’t remember anything else, but it’s enough. He knows what happened, why Taeyong told him those words. 

And then, it’s like his heart beats, just once, and it leaves him wheezing.

He remembers a dirty bathroom stall, Taeyong’s fingers on his body, gripping, tight and warm. His lips against his own, swollen and red, he remembers his blood, how hot it was on his tongue, how dizzy it made him feel, how _good_ it tasted. The cut on his own wrist, the way he placed it against Taeyong’s lips and the other just drank, without hesitation, without asking himself what he was doing. 

The person Dongyoung killed before Taeyong should’ve been the last one, but then, their eyes met and Dongyoung stopped thinking. He left Taeyong’s lifeless body in that bathroom stall, he didn’t discard it away because deep down, even if he couldn’t process anything, he knew he had turned him.

Dongyoung falls on his knees. He turned Taeyong into a vampire. He turned him and he didn’t even remember until minutes ago. He’s remembering after years.

He closes his fingers into fists against the ground, Dongyoung’s aware it was a mistake, that he shouldn’t have turned him, but another side of him feels almost proud, excited at the idea that someone was turned by himself, that the person is Taeyong. Satisfied by the fact that even if Taeyong doesn’t know who turned him, he still went to Dongyoung to ask for blood. The _pull_. Now, Dongyoung understands. It has never been his eyes, nor his beauty, it’s something deeper than that. Dongyoung feels a pull towards Taeyong because he turned him, and at the same time, Taeyong must feel it towards Dongyoung, it’s why among all of them, he chose Dongyoung to ask for blood.

“What are you doing?”

Dongyoung snaps his neck to the side, the boy’s still leaned against the wall, he doesn’t look as intoxicated as he was minutes before, but Dongyoung doesn’t care. 

He needs blood for Taeyong and for Jisung. He needs to provide for them. For his _family_.

Too fast, he gets up and pins the boy to the wall, fingers tight around his arms, and a second after, his fangs are piercing through the skin of his neck. The blood is hot, not the best he has had, but not even the worst. He drinks, and drinks, when the boy realizes what’s happening and he tries to push him away, Dongyoung doesn’t budge, he just keeps drinking until even the last drop of blood is out of the other’s body. As soon as Dongyoung moves his hands away, the body falls on the ground in a mess of limbs and two cuts on the neck. 

He should discard the body where no one will find it and then go back to the Coven House. Dongyoung’s aware it’s the right thing to do, some small part of him does, but he doesn’t do that, he ignores it, he goes back inside the club and picks another person to kill. And then, he does it again, and again, until he doesn’t remember how many humans he killed, until he can taste the blood in the back of his throat even when he’s not drinking it, until his body’s covered by it, almost as if he bathed in red water. 

○

Someone’s screaming his name, maybe it’s more than one person, but Dongyoung can’t hear them, he can’t hear anyone. His senses are all on Taeyong, like everytime the other’s in the same room with him, he can only hear and see him.

He’s on the floor, blood stains him, and he’s crying. It’s his fault, it’s all his fault if Taeyong is in pain, if it looks like he can’t even keep his body together, as if it would break with the next sob. Dongyoung wants to get close to him, touch him and feel his warmth, comfort him even if he’s crying because of him, but too many hands are on his body, keeping him away, and Dongyoung doesn’t have enough strength, not when each sound that comes from Taeyong makes him want to fall on his knees and shut everything out, forget what’s happening, forget what he did, forget all the suffering he has caused.

“No, no, no, please,” Taeyong sobs, and Dongyoung sobs with him, the first one breaks his chest in half. Hands keep him up, plastered to the wall, someone’s digging his elbow into his back and it hurts, but it’s not enough to replace what he feels inside.

Dongyoung watches Ten get closer to Taeyong, watches the way Taeyong holds onto him, as if he’d fall even more if he let the other go. “Please,” he whispers, voice broken by his cries, “make it stop, please.”

The words pierce through Dongyoung’s heart. It’s his fault. 

Then, Taeyong screams. Dongyoung shuts his eyes, and even if he knows he deserves the pain, that if it weren’t for him, Taeyong wouldn’t be hurt, deep down he’s selfish and he wants everything to stop. But with his eyes closed, he can still hear the other, he hears their hearts shattering. The tears burn his skin, and maybe Dongyoung’s screaming with Taeyong.

The silence that follows seems too loud in his ears.

“Taeyong hyung!” 

Dongyoung opens his eyes.

Taeyong’s too silent, too still into Ten’s arms. Only after some moments he realises the other has passed out. He doesn’t know where the strength comes from, he doesn’t know how he’s able to yank his body away from all those hands, but he does it, and the second after he’s kneeling on the floor, Taeyong’s face cupped by his red hands, lips pressed against his forehead.

It doesn’t last much, he barely feels the other’s skin against his. The touch doesn’t bring him any relief, the pain doesn’t go away, it just gets more and more.

“Stay away!” Ten screams, trying to push him back, but Ten isn’t the one who pulls him away from Taeyong. Hands are on him again, more than they were before, and this time, they press him down on the marble floor, a hand presses his face on it too, forcing him to look away from Taeyong.

“Let me go!” he screams as loud as he can, he doesn’t care if his throat bleeds, he needs to make sure Taeyong’s well, that nothing bad is happening to him, he has to make sure he’s safe.

“Don’t make me knock you out,” someone close he can’t recognise threatens him, “stay still.”

Dongyoung tries to move, even if it’s just a limb, but he feels paralysed, the hands on him feel like chains.

“Don’t fucking move,” someone else says, Dongyoung’s almost sure it’s Yuta. “Just stay fucking still, Dongyoung.”

They know that Dongyoung’s stronger than all of them together, that the only reason why he’s still on the floor is because he’s feeling too much and he can’t control himself, he can’t control the pain from taking over his body and making him weak.

He doesn’t know what they’re doing to Taeyong, a part of himself tells him they won’t hurt him, that it’s their Coven members, no one will ever hurt Taeyong, but at the same time, there’s a part more irrational that tells him he has to protect Taeyong from everyone, that he’s safe only with him, that he will be even more hurt if he lets him go.

“I know the way it feels,” Yuta tells him, voice softer. Dongyoung wants to tell him that he doesn’t, no one knows the way it feels, the way Dongyoung’s heart is bleeding for Taeyong. “But you can’t get close to him.”

 _Why?!_ Dongyoung screams in his own head once he registers Yuta’s words. They can’t decide what he can or can’t do, almost as if they’re afraid Dongyoung could hurt Taeyong. 

But maybe they’re right. He has hurt Taeyong, hasn’t he? It has never been a physical pain, but what he inflicted to the other is still pain, maybe even worse. It started the night he turned him into a vampire and it never stopped. Each time he has left him alone on a bed too cold, each time he has ignored his tears, each time he has put Taeyong’s love aside, as if he wasn’t aware of its existence. He doesn’t deserve Taeyong’s love, he doesn’t deserve Taeyong’s forgiveness, he doesn’t deserve anything, Taeyong should just forget about him, as if they never met. And yet, he doesn’t want that to happen. He craves for Taeyong’s touch, for his love, for his forgiveness, he wants him so bad it hurts, he wants all of it.

It’s when he senses Taeyong further than he was before that Yuta tells whoever is holding his head down to let it go. As soon as the hands are away, Dongyoung’s eyes search for Taeyong. He finds him in Jeno’s hold, an arm wrapped around his back and the other under his knees, head placed against Jeno’s chest.

Dongyoung follows the both of them with his eyes until he can, until they don’t disappear behind the stairs pillar, and even then, he still keeps following them with his ears. He hears Jeno climb the stairs, open Taeyong’s bedroom door and place him on the bed.

“If we let you go, tell me you won’t enter his bedroom,” Kun tells him, squatting down in front of him.

Dongyoung knows that if he agrees, but doesn’t do what Kun said, they will be on him the second after he opens the door, so he nods, and “I won’t,” he says, he almost doesn’t recognise his own voice.

Kun sends a glance to whoever is towering over him, he nods to them, and then, all the hands are gone. Dongyoung doesn’t stand up immediately, he takes his time, afraid that they’d tackle him down if he moves too fast. Though, no one touches him again, even if he can feel all their eyes on him.

“I won’t enter,” he tells Kun once they’re both standing up, “but you can’t stop me from waiting in front of his bedroom.”

Kun doesn’t say anything, and Dongyoung takes the silence as a yes. No one follows him to Taeyong’s bedroom, no one comes when he sits with his back pressed against it, no one tells him to stop when he chants apologies into the wooden door, and no one asks him not to cry. 

After what feels like days, Taeyong wakes up. Dongyoung keeps whispering _sorry_ s, but Taeyong remains silent and Dongyoung doesn’t fight the tears falling down on his cheeks.

He hates humans, and yet, he’s behaving just like one. Because he’s in love, and being in love hurts.

○

“Hyung.”

It’s not the voice he wants to hear, so Dongyoung ignores it, even if it’s calling for him.

Taeyong hasn’t said a word to him, it doesn’t matter how many times Dongyoung has begged him to speak, how many times he has apologized, Taeyong just doesn’t answer, as if he isn’t on the other side of the door.

“Hyung, you can’t stay there forever,” Jisung tells him, words too soft, as if he’s talking to a baby. Dongyoung chuckles, low, but he’s not amused, not at all. Jisung can’t understand. 

Taeyong’s hurt, his body and mind are permeated with pain. Pain that Dongyoung caused, all of it, that won’t disappear just because Dongyoung’s saying sorry, that won’t be forgotten only because he acknowledged it, that will leave a scar as big as Taeyong’s heart and it will hurt, maybe some days the pain will be less, but other days it will be unbearable, tearing him apart from the inside. Dongyoung knows that, he can’t deny it anymore, he can’t pretend he doesn’t see Taeyong’s pain, and yet, a small part of himself, a part that’s selfish and greedy, that doesn’t want to be tamed, wants Taeyong to speak to him, to tell him that what happened in the past, that what he did doesn’t matter anymore. He’s ashamed of it, and even if he will say sorry for the rest of his endless life, he _knows_ he doesn’t deserve Taeyong’s forgiveness. But he hopes, a light turns on in his rotting heart, as small as a light bulb, waiting for it.

“Leave me alone,” he whispers to Jisung, voice low, worn out by his quiet cries, forehead leaned against the door, “please.”

He wouldn’t even move if Jisung told him he needs blood, that he’s starving and he can’t feed if it’s not through Dongyoung. In the end, that’s one of the many things that have always hurt Taeyong, isn’t it? Dongyoung never listened to the other, never stopped to let Jisung feed on himself even if Taeyong begged him not to, even if once Taeyong got on his knees and held onto him, crying, _hurt_ , asking him to stop. 

Jisung sighs, even if he doesn’t really need to, not anymore, but Dongyoung doesn’t spare him a glance, and then, “He won’t talk to you,” Jisung tells him, voice harsher than before, almost angry. Jisung never gets angry, not at Dongyoung. 

“You turned him, hyung,” he keeps saying, and even if Dongyoung won’t ever forget about it, hearing it from someone else makes his heart clench on itself even harder. 

“I know,” he says under his breath, pressing his forehead against the door more. “He shouldn’t talk to me at all.”

Jisung doesn’t leave, but he doesn’t speak either, he just remains there. Dongyoung doesn’t turn around to look at him, he wants him to leave. There’s only a person he wants to look at and speak to. 

“Leave,” he says with his eyes closed, a hand fisted on the floor. 

Jisung sighs again, and then, he leaves, steps heavy and slow. Dongyoung forgets about him the second after. 

○

It’s faint, a whispered word that breaks the silence, but it’s enough. It’s more than enough. It’s the only word Dongyoung really wants to hear. 

“Dongyoung,” Taeyong says, and Dongyoung gets up from the floor, fingers wrapped around the door knob. It’s cold. 

“Taeyong,” he whispers back, fingers tight around the metal, ready to turn it. 

“Can you come inside?” Taeyong asks, and if it were another world, another life in which Dongyoung didn’t hurt him, he’d laugh. 

Dongyoung doesn’t answer, he just opens the door and enters, his hands are shaking. It’s been four days since that night and Dongyoung has thought many times about the moment he would’ve been inside Taeyong’s bedroom, never knowing if it would’ve actually happened. Everytime he thought about it, he was sure that his eyes would’ve found Taeyong as soon as the door opened, but he was wrong. 

The first thing he sees isn’t Taeyong. The first thing he sees, even if it’s dark, is an empty bed. 

Then, his eyes find him, all his senses do. 

Taeyong’s on the floor, near the window, the side of his head and his shoulder leaned against the wall, his back to Dongyoung, legs folded to his chest. 

His hands are still stained by blood. Though, Dongyoung is too. Dried on both of them.

“Why are you on the floor?”

He doesn’t know if he wants to get closer, to reach his fingers towards Taeyong and be disappointed when the other will reject his touches, or just wait there, still. 

Taeyong lifts the shoulder that isn’t against the wall. “I don’t know,” his words are feeble, lost in the emptiness of the room. 

Dongyoung can’t see his face, he can’t see if there are silent tears on his cheeks, if his eyes are closed, if he’s pressing his lips into a thin line. He can only guess, try to imagine the other’s face, trace each of its details in his mind. 

He doesn’t know what to say besides saying sorry, but he has already done that so many times that the words don’t make sense anymore, he repeated them again and again, until they became foreign. So he doesn’t say anything. He waits, one, two, three seconds, and keeps waiting, even if it’d take a whole day or a whole year for Taeyong to speak to him. 

It’s not a year, and not even a day. 

“I was wondering,” Taeyong says, words stronger, but his voice seems on the verge to waver, as if it’d shatter if he spoke more than a few words, “how long have you been hiding it from me?”

Among all the questions Dongyoung was expecting, it’s not one he thought would’ve been the first. 

He fixes his eyes on a small earring fallen on the floor and then, he answers. “Not that long, I didn’t remember it for years, I did maybe some months ago? I’m not sure.” _I lost count of the days since then._

“The night I found you in that hallway completely out of your mind?” Taeyong asks, still except for his hand, index finger tracing an endless circle on the floor. 

Maybe. Dongyoung isn’t sure, he doesn’t remember much when he starts to kill more than he should, all the memories of those nights blend together. 

“I think.”

“You think?” Taeyong chuckles, as if he’s making a fool of Dongyoung, as if he can’t believe he doesn’t remember when it exactly happened. 

“I’m not lying,” Dongyoung tells him, he doesn’t want Taeyong to think he’s a liar, even if he kind of is, he still kept that a secret for more than he should have. “You know I don’t remember—”

“I don’t think I know you,” Taeyong cuts him off, voice cold, words shaped into blades, “I thought I knew you, but I really don’t, right?”

“Taeyong,” he pleads for something he doesn’t even know, taking a step closer, he’s still too far. But besides saying his name, Dongyoung can’t find other words. Taeyong has always hated the person who turned him the most, and that person is Dongyoung, who couldn’t remember it at first and even when he did, he still kept it a secret because he was afraid. He knew what would’ve happened if he voiced it out and he was scared, but in the end, he did it anyway. Dongyoung wasn’t wrong about what would’ve happened. 

“What, Dongyoung? You want to say you’re sorry?” Taeyong speaks, he’s angry, Dongyoung can hear it, there are so many emotions in his voice he can’t catch them all. “You said it thousands of times already, you could say it again and again, and I wouldn’t care, you can’t be forgiven for something you can’t fix.” 

Dongyoung has prepared himself for days, has told himself he doesn’t deserve Taeyong’s forgiveness, but there’s a massive difference between the words told by his own voice in his head and the words told by Taeyong’s. The other’s words hurt more, they hit deep, they intertwine with his body and tighten around it, until he almost feels breathless. 

_I’m sorry_ , it’s the first thing that comes to his mind, but Taeyong doesn’t want to hear it, he must be sick of hearing it after all the times Dongyoung has whimpered it against the bedroom door between sobs. 

“Should I leave?” so he asks, even if he doesn’t want to, even if he wants to see Taeyong’s eyes, at least for the last time. 

“No,” Taeyong whispers, “I have to tell you something else.”

Dongyoung waits while the guilt consumes him from the inside, small piece by small piece, until there won’t be anything left. 

Once Taeyong starts to speak, Dongyoung realises he’s staring at the ring placed on Taeyong’s nightstand. Exactly like the one Dongyoung’s wearing on his index finger. His thumb brushes against it, and the touch almost makes him shiver. 

_A gift,_ he had told Taeyong, and the other’s smile had melted his cold heart. 

“I don’t know which feeling is stronger, if I hate or love you more. I don’t even know if I want to really find out because I’m tired of these feelings, I’m tired of being more human than vampire and I’m tired of pretending.”

Dongyoung doesn’t understand, or maybe he does. He’s a vampire, but he has feelings too, even if he tries to hide them, act like they’re not there. He wants Taeyong to love him more rather than hate him more, he wants to be selfish. 

“I can’t just… close my eyes, then open them and go back to the way I was before, I don’t want to, so please, don’t ask me.”

“I would never,” Dongyoung tells him, and the only thing he really wants to ask Taeyong is to turn around and let him see his face, even if it’s just for a brief moment. He wants to see his eyes, feel trapped into that golden and warm prison he loves so much for the last time.

“Maybe I won’t ever forgive you, or maybe I will, I can’t know that now,” he sounds more determined than he was with his first words, “I will need time and you have to give it to me.”

Dongyoung nods, but then he realises the other can’t see him. “All the time you need.” They’re vampires, right? Time is the only thing they really have, that will never end. 

Taeyong doesn’t speak again, he doesn’t ask anything else, he just remains there, head against the wall and legs to his chest. Dongyoung keeps looking at his back, his blond hair that almost looks white with the moonlight, and he waits for something else. 

“You can go, if you want,” then, he says. Dongyoung doesn’t want to, so he doesn’t. He remains there too, standing in front of the empty bed. 

Time both stops and goes on. It’s just waiting, but nothing happens. 

After what feels like a lifetime, Dongyoung turns around and walks towards the door. His fingers are wrapped around the knob, half-turned, when Taeyong speaks again. 

“You should’ve kept it a secret forever.”

His fingers tighten around the metal, but he doesn’t say anything, he just opens the door and leaves. 

He should’ve kept the secret and Taeyong’s love in a firm grip, both close to his heart, impossible to be found by no one besides Dongyoung. 

But Taeyong’s love wanted the secret’s space, it wanted everything, all of Dongyoung’s body. It started to spread and Dongyoung had to give one of the two up. He chose the secret, but maybe he should’ve chosen Taeyong’s love. His own love.

Maybe it would’ve hurt less. Maybe he wouldn’t have needed to wait for a forgiveness that might never come. 

**Author's Note:**

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